Gardening Help

We are rapidly approaching the holiday season and with it, its rush on consumerism. Keep in mind that not every gift is practical or wanted. I remember many items that have come in style only to be phased out soon after. While many of these items are still available today, the choice to buy them is still discretionary, and nearly all of them have perfectly fine traditional alternatives.

The Electric Knife

These gadgets are still available today, though I do not know anyone who currently owns one. I remember my dad using one about 40 years ago to carve up a large turkey at my grandparents’ house…we had to get an extension cord to use this at the dining table because the cord was a bit short. I recently sliced up a small turkey with my Wusthof carving knife.  It’s completely portable, uses no power, and can be easily sharpened. Most of the time, simple is better.

The Personal Deep Fryer

Another seldom used and job-specific kitchen item is a personal deep fryer. These vary in size from using just a few cups of oil to larger units that could cook up family sized portions. Some are even designed to store the oil from use to use.  Now there is a pleasant thought — weeks old used oil for cooking again — is that why these french fries taste like dirty socks? Modern trends have produced very large turkey fryers, which can use gallons of oil. These are normally gas fired and should always be used outside. With the popularity of turkey frying increasing, 1000′s of home fires are reported each year with millions in damages. Given the option of burning down my house to cook a turkey in 1 hour or the traditional method, I’ll take my turkey slow roasted if you don’t mind.

The Electric Can Opener

Another kitchen item that defies common sense for the bulk of society is the electric can opener.  These may make sense for the extreme elderly or those with severe arthritis but for the average Joe, are you really that lazy?

The Trash Compactor

In all of the kitchen remodels I have done recently, not a single one has had me install a trash compactor. Recycling rates have increased dramatically in many homes, so the need to smash a week’s worth of bottles and cans and that science experiment from the back of the fridge into a compact smelly brick is a thing of the past.

The Bread Machine

The allure and romance of fresh baked bread without any work has lead to many purchases. The reality of use, however, has led to many garage sale artifacts. My experience with one was via the “ex-wife.” This large countertop contraption would mix, knead and bake a puny loaf of bread in about 4 hours time. This loaf was hermetically entombed in a tall narrow pan and never looked like a normal loaf of bread. If the bread could be reasonably excavated, you had to surgically remove the mixing blade before slicing or use…rendering a gapping hole in the bottom of the deformed loaf. I can bake artisan bread, from no-knead recipes in half the time that the machine could and not have to sacrifice 1/3 of my counter space to do so.

The Bug Zapper

Many of our neighbor’s back in the Midwest had “bug zappers.” The buzz and zap of countless insect electrocutions were amusing for us adolescent boys. Later, in a college entomology class, the realization that using vast quantities to electricity to kill hundreds of bugs, both the annoying and beneficial did virtually nothing to reduce the billions living in the neighborhood. Today, research has also shown that those “ultra-sonic” deterrents are no better. Have an old zapper in the garage? Maybe you could sell it to your turkey-frying neighbor?

The Compost Tumbler

Looking through the back of some gardening magazines would lead you to believe that the only way to make compost is with a $200 plastic tumbling automatic mixing chamber. My grandfather made tons of compost in a simple heap.  The key lies in carbon and nitrogen balancing — he called it “browns and greens.” His lifetime of farming and gardening taught him that mixing is also rarely needed…just time.

The Automatic Litter Box

Technology is ever advancing…and a sucker is born every minute. A classic example of this mix is the invention of the “automatic litter box,” and any fool who will spend $200 to not scoop cat poo. In real life however, they still spend the $200 and have to do something much worse….like extract putrid cat turds from the complex raking and transfer mechanism of the self-cleaning cat box. I’ve always been a dog lover and never really got into having a box of cat poo sitting in the home.  If you need some great entertainment on a bad TV night, just read some of the 1 star reviews of these feces flippers on Amazon…they are a total hoot, and why anyone still buys them is a total mystery to me.

The Automatic Watch Winder

I agree that some of the things that The Sharper Image sells are unique and cool, and I have even been tempted by a few…like that massage chair…but I recently saw an item that takes the cake for uselessness. For a mere $329.99 plus shipping and handling you can buy a device that will automatically wind your watches.  It’s a box that you strap up to 4 watches in and It mimics the motion of arm movement of winding watches.  First of all, who even has a manually-winding watch, let alone 4 of them?  For the less affluent, they offer a smaller version that holds 2 watches for $199.99…what a deal, eh? I have been wearing a $40 casio digital for nearly a decade.  I have changed the batteries a few times.  Pretty simple, right? My other watch is an antique gold pocket watch (thanks, Grandpa).  It comes out now and then for special occasions, and I don’t mind winding it.

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